Pre-CBT

Hi all!

So I haven't updated as much recently, but that doesn't mean nothing's going on. On the contrary... I'm really busy and still having an amazing time.

I know half of my blog entries are about how happy I am, but it's genuine. I'm probably more joyful right now than I have been in months if not years and everything just feels lighter. I'm eating wonderfully: the fresh veggies and dairy are doing wonders for how I feel, and I've not really even been sick except for a bit of hay-fever symptoms while on field trip. The people here are wonderful, and even when I do have a bad day or a few bad hours, the support system is really stellar. I almost feel strange that I haven't had a real breakdown yet, but I just feel good and joyful and right here.

I don't know where to start as far as what's been going on recently. Classes, classes, classes and trainings! We found our our CBT groups (Community-Based Trainings), which is the LCF (Language and Cultural Facilitator = teacher/mentor/everything else) and the four other trainees that will be going with me to a smaller site with a homestay for periods of 4-10 days throughout training. I'm not really close to anyone in my CBT group but am excited to get to know them; they're a lot of fun people.

Last night, I finally did something I've been looking forward to since I started reading blogs about PCVs in Morocco right after my nomination in October: going to the Hammam. The Hammam is a sort of a Turkish bath, Moroccan style. I went with another trainee last night and I'm afraid I've started a sort of addiction. First, we went to the Hammam-supplies hanut in the souk area and bought stools, a cup for water, and some goopy-soap. Then, we headed over, paid 7 dirhams for a ticket in, and then went inside.

The Hammam is set up by gender, so the woman's is completely separate from the men's. The first room is big and open and is the changing room. Most people use the hammam in their underwear. Then, there are three rooms that get progressively hotter. You scope out a spot, fill buckets full of water (from scalding hot to freezing, depending on what you want), and literally stay hours scrubbing yourself down with a kis. You can pay someone to scrub you down but the first time I wanted to just feel it out for myself.

It was a cleansing experience both physically and for the soul. I walked in a little cold and grumpy for pretty selfish reasons. I left feeling like I'd had a full night's sleep and sort of a re-charge, and, again, just feeling joyful. I'm going to have to limit my Hammam time or else I'll never do anything else with my time, though it is a great place to go socialize.

Today, we got assignments for a presentation we will give (in Tamazight!) in a month after trainings on heath education. It was totally random, but somehow I lucked out and my topic is birth control pills! lHamdullah! It'll be challenging to figure out how to present it in Tamazight but I feel like I have a real head start with the subject matter.

Language. Oh, boy, language. It's rough, I won't lie. I'm learning very, very slowly, and part of me is frustrated with some of the rules or lack thereof in Tamazight. At the same time, it's fun and there are some fascinating aspects (ex: one way to turn a masculine adjective into a feminine adjectie is to add a "T" to both the beginning and the end, so amerikani becomes tamerikanit... or the fact that there are four ways to say the number two depending on how to count...sin, snat, tayn, and juj). I didn't have real problems communicating using body language and smiles with my host family on field trip, but I know that I'm going to have to let go of high standards for language-learning and be satisfied with what I can learn and with just doing my best and not putting too much pressure on myself.

Tomorrow we leave for the first stage of CBT. Five of us are heading out to what is supposed to be a beautiful small village on a lake for five or six days. My host family is rather large by American standards and I know that there are a few kids (lHamdullah!) and a woman around my age which should make things easier. I'm not as nervous about CBT as I should be, and hopefully my language will start to come easier... inshallah!

I really feel comfortable here. I love the God phrases that we use all the time (if God wills it; thanks be to God... at least 20 times a day), I love the drawn-out greetings and the different ways people greet each other in different villages (kissing hands, kissing cheeks, shaking hand and then touching your heart), I love having meaningful conversations with some of the LCFs and really feeling like you get where they're coming from and who they are even though you've grown up in completely different societies. I love the sort of dichotomies here (the fact that a lot of Moroccans dress better than I do in the states! One of our language teachers today was sporting a shorter black skirt, black boots, a fancy green shirt and a cute jacket... much nicer than any of my clothes) and the way that people are so friendly and patient. It feels right and it feels like a country that I will be happy to live in for the next two years. It's worth squeezing in transits that fly around curves in the mountains, it's worth freezing at night and sweating in the sun. It's truly lHamdullah that I'm here and I'm hoping beyond all hopes that this isn't just me still honeymooning here.

Of course there are doubts. Part of me feels like I don't deserve to be here. I don't even want to think of how many hours our staff works and how far away they are for their families so we can go out and be equipped for life here. I knew PC was a great organization, but I didn't realize how much I'd be floored by the comprehensiveness and real work that goes into training. Security is something else that I am really just in awe about: there is more energy put into keeping us safe and more people who have the interests of volunteers in their radar than I had ever imagined. There are times when I look at myself and think "Can I live up to this gift that has been given me?" To whom much is given, much is expected, and I know I have high standards for myself, but I am very humbled to be a part of this. I still live fearfully at times, and every day I move a little closer towards letting go and giving up control, but I still falter and my ego and insecurities get in my way.

I miss those of you wonderful people from home and think of you often. The only thing that would make this experience better would be to be able to share it with you.