Field trip is actually starting Sunday, so I have more internet access than I thought, for better or for worse. I had vowed not to come today, but I need some time for more self-reflection and I do that best on a computer, so here I am.

 

Yesterday was a hard day for me, maybe the hardest so far but the most rewarding as well because I was able to really see some of my character flaws and try to start to work through them. As some of you who talked to me before coming to Morocco know, I'm an information person. The way I prepared for Peace Corps was to get as much information as possible, from blogs, current volunteers, past volunteers, etc. I learned a lot from them, but it certainly gave me a false sense of security. In a lot of ways it was good and there were less surprises, but yesterday made me realize how much I live in a fantasy world. No matter how hard I try to grow up and grow out of it, I am often like a little child as far as wanting what I want and not what other people think is best for me, no matter how much better they know the situation. I thought I had let go, and I had started to, but not entirely. I'm still clinging onto wanting what I want and thinking I know everything. I know this isn't true, and inshallah, I can start to accept this.

 

This hit hard yesterday with my language placement. In my head, I had imagined living in a certain region even though there are a limited number of sites there. Never mind that the odds were against me, I thought that for some reason, it was just meant to be. I think on some level, I thought somehow I deserved it. These are fallacious and unproductive thoughts in many ways: first of all, one language or site isn't better than another, and secondly, I don't "deserve'' anything just because I want it. It's hard to realize that I even would think of harboring those thoughts. When I found out my language, my heart fell and for probably half an hour, I was pretty upset. I tried not to let it show on my face, but the dreams of being in a specific site were taken away and it hit me: I'm really not in control... at all. I'm not coming into this experience as open-minded as I want to be. And, to be frank, that's a hard realization for me. I wasn't upset about the language, I was upset about my thoughts and attitudes and presumptions.

 

Throughout the day, I told a few people about how hard it was to get my placement: not because it wasn't the language I wanted (there is no better language!), but because I was forced to see some of my own shortcomings. The more I thought about it, the better I felt, and I suppose deep down inside, part of me wanting to come to the Peace Corps was to be stretched, to be challenged, and to let go. That was a huge piece missing in my life at home, and it's appealing to be able to grow, even if the process can be hard sometimes. But anything worth doing is going to be hard, and this isn't even going to be the beginning of future frustrations, I'm sure. I'm learning about myself and it feels good to be able to let go more, even if it means I was hanging on too tightly to begin with.

 

The reality is this as well: the more I hear about my language and some places I may be able to go, the more excited I become. On field trip, I'm going to a region that is pure desert. Someone described it as Mars: red sand, palm trees, dates. To me, this sounds fantastic. Really, honestly, it'll be incredible to be able to stay there about a week and see what it's like, and though I love the luxury of a hot shower every few days and two cybers a few doors down from the hotel, I'm itching to see a reality of a PCV. Not "the reality;" everyone's experience is different, but a reality. I'm also eager to be immersed in Tamazight because I'm sure constant exposure will help pick up the language quicker. 

 

My admiration and awe about how incredible training is hasn't even begun to dwindle. Right now, life feels like a combination of the craziest summer camp in the world, a reality TV show or The Apprentice, Orientation freshman year in the dorms, and intense college language classes. There are times that it's so stereotypical PC it's not even funny: like when we're all sitting around a guitar singing Hotel California, or when we're comparing how long it's been since we've taken a shower (not too long yet!), or who the A-team is (the people who go number 2 without toilet paper, and with lots of hand-washing afterwards... I'm not that hardcore), and it always makes me laugh to think of what people back home would think. I've also been startled to hear two characterizations of Americans that fit me to a T (people who write a lot, and that in the three months of training, our group will collectively use more toilet paper than the rest of the town will use in a whole year!). Training is a unique experience but one that I really feel is one of the most empowering and just fun experiences I've probably ever had.

 

So there you have it. Yesterday was probably my most difficult day since I've been here, but still ten times better than a bad day at home. I'm continuing to learn and am being honest with myself, which is a habit I'm hoping to continue while I'm here, and I can't help but be happy about that.

 

On a less heavy note (sorry if I'm getting too deep for some of you!), today was ksksu Friday! Traditionally, couscous is eaten on Fridays and I just made an idiot out of myself but had a great time eating couscous with my hands! I also ate a whole chicken leg, something I probably haven't done for over ten or twelve years. It wasn't bad, but I started getting a little sketched out at the end with the meat closest to the bone. I have to start training myself out of my pickiness. I know I could stay a vegetarian or pseudo-vegetarian while here, but eating meat is certainly something I'm willing to try.

 

Much love to those of you who know who you are. I'm in a great place in every sense of the phrase. I wish you could experience even for one day.

 

qim b lman! (I think?)