Pre-CBT

Hi all!

So I haven't updated as much recently, but that doesn't mean nothing's going on. On the contrary... I'm really busy and still having an amazing time.

I know half of my blog entries are about how happy I am, but it's genuine. I'm probably more joyful right now than I have been in months if not years and everything just feels lighter. I'm eating wonderfully: the fresh veggies and dairy are doing wonders for how I feel, and I've not really even been sick except for a bit of hay-fever symptoms while on field trip. The people here are wonderful, and even when I do have a bad day or a few bad hours, the support system is really stellar. I almost feel strange that I haven't had a real breakdown yet, but I just feel good and joyful and right here.

I don't know where to start as far as what's been going on recently. Classes, classes, classes and trainings! We found our our CBT groups (Community-Based Trainings), which is the LCF (Language and Cultural Facilitator = teacher/mentor/everything else) and the four other trainees that will be going with me to a smaller site with a homestay for periods of 4-10 days throughout training. I'm not really close to anyone in my CBT group but am excited to get to know them; they're a lot of fun people.

Last night, I finally did something I've been looking forward to since I started reading blogs about PCVs in Morocco right after my nomination in October: going to the Hammam. The Hammam is a sort of a Turkish bath, Moroccan style. I went with another trainee last night and I'm afraid I've started a sort of addiction. First, we went to the Hammam-supplies hanut in the souk area and bought stools, a cup for water, and some goopy-soap. Then, we headed over, paid 7 dirhams for a ticket in, and then went inside.

The Hammam is set up by gender, so the woman's is completely separate from the men's. The first room is big and open and is the changing room. Most people use the hammam in their underwear. Then, there are three rooms that get progressively hotter. You scope out a spot, fill buckets full of water (from scalding hot to freezing, depending on what you want), and literally stay hours scrubbing yourself down with a kis. You can pay someone to scrub you down but the first time I wanted to just feel it out for myself.

It was a cleansing experience both physically and for the soul. I walked in a little cold and grumpy for pretty selfish reasons. I left feeling like I'd had a full night's sleep and sort of a re-charge, and, again, just feeling joyful. I'm going to have to limit my Hammam time or else I'll never do anything else with my time, though it is a great place to go socialize.

Today, we got assignments for a presentation we will give (in Tamazight!) in a month after trainings on heath education. It was totally random, but somehow I lucked out and my topic is birth control pills! lHamdullah! It'll be challenging to figure out how to present it in Tamazight but I feel like I have a real head start with the subject matter.

Language. Oh, boy, language. It's rough, I won't lie. I'm learning very, very slowly, and part of me is frustrated with some of the rules or lack thereof in Tamazight. At the same time, it's fun and there are some fascinating aspects (ex: one way to turn a masculine adjective into a feminine adjectie is to add a "T" to both the beginning and the end, so amerikani becomes tamerikanit... or the fact that there are four ways to say the number two depending on how to count...sin, snat, tayn, and juj). I didn't have real problems communicating using body language and smiles with my host family on field trip, but I know that I'm going to have to let go of high standards for language-learning and be satisfied with what I can learn and with just doing my best and not putting too much pressure on myself.

Tomorrow we leave for the first stage of CBT. Five of us are heading out to what is supposed to be a beautiful small village on a lake for five or six days. My host family is rather large by American standards and I know that there are a few kids (lHamdullah!) and a woman around my age which should make things easier. I'm not as nervous about CBT as I should be, and hopefully my language will start to come easier... inshallah!

I really feel comfortable here. I love the God phrases that we use all the time (if God wills it; thanks be to God... at least 20 times a day), I love the drawn-out greetings and the different ways people greet each other in different villages (kissing hands, kissing cheeks, shaking hand and then touching your heart), I love having meaningful conversations with some of the LCFs and really feeling like you get where they're coming from and who they are even though you've grown up in completely different societies. I love the sort of dichotomies here (the fact that a lot of Moroccans dress better than I do in the states! One of our language teachers today was sporting a shorter black skirt, black boots, a fancy green shirt and a cute jacket... much nicer than any of my clothes) and the way that people are so friendly and patient. It feels right and it feels like a country that I will be happy to live in for the next two years. It's worth squeezing in transits that fly around curves in the mountains, it's worth freezing at night and sweating in the sun. It's truly lHamdullah that I'm here and I'm hoping beyond all hopes that this isn't just me still honeymooning here.

Of course there are doubts. Part of me feels like I don't deserve to be here. I don't even want to think of how many hours our staff works and how far away they are for their families so we can go out and be equipped for life here. I knew PC was a great organization, but I didn't realize how much I'd be floored by the comprehensiveness and real work that goes into training. Security is something else that I am really just in awe about: there is more energy put into keeping us safe and more people who have the interests of volunteers in their radar than I had ever imagined. There are times when I look at myself and think "Can I live up to this gift that has been given me?" To whom much is given, much is expected, and I know I have high standards for myself, but I am very humbled to be a part of this. I still live fearfully at times, and every day I move a little closer towards letting go and giving up control, but I still falter and my ego and insecurities get in my way.

I miss those of you wonderful people from home and think of you often. The only thing that would make this experience better would be to be able to share it with you.

Field Trip

Wow! What a week! I don't know where to begin for my field trip. It got cut a bit short because of fear of a transportation strike, so I'm already back with the group. I loved the volunteer I went to see, and really was able to get more of a feel for what's going on and what the next two years will be like.

For those of you who emailed me concerned about my last blog, know this: that's who I am. I'm the type of person who is constantly examining myself and trying to learn and grow as a person. I write about personal battles or struggles because it helps to share them and to get them out there and sort of reflect. Don't worry about me.

In any case, Zagora province is amazing, the volunteer was awesome, and the experience was just incredible. The atmosphere, the crazy travel (sometime I have to remember to write about travelling in Morocco!), the food, the people... it was beyond description.

I'll hopefully have time and energy to write more about it, but for now, know I'm safe and happy and clean (!) at our seminar site.

Field trip is actually starting Sunday, so I have more internet access than I thought, for better or for worse. I had vowed not to come today, but I need some time for more self-reflection and I do that best on a computer, so here I am.

 

Yesterday was a hard day for me, maybe the hardest so far but the most rewarding as well because I was able to really see some of my character flaws and try to start to work through them. As some of you who talked to me before coming to Morocco know, I'm an information person. The way I prepared for Peace Corps was to get as much information as possible, from blogs, current volunteers, past volunteers, etc. I learned a lot from them, but it certainly gave me a false sense of security. In a lot of ways it was good and there were less surprises, but yesterday made me realize how much I live in a fantasy world. No matter how hard I try to grow up and grow out of it, I am often like a little child as far as wanting what I want and not what other people think is best for me, no matter how much better they know the situation. I thought I had let go, and I had started to, but not entirely. I'm still clinging onto wanting what I want and thinking I know everything. I know this isn't true, and inshallah, I can start to accept this.

 

This hit hard yesterday with my language placement. In my head, I had imagined living in a certain region even though there are a limited number of sites there. Never mind that the odds were against me, I thought that for some reason, it was just meant to be. I think on some level, I thought somehow I deserved it. These are fallacious and unproductive thoughts in many ways: first of all, one language or site isn't better than another, and secondly, I don't "deserve'' anything just because I want it. It's hard to realize that I even would think of harboring those thoughts. When I found out my language, my heart fell and for probably half an hour, I was pretty upset. I tried not to let it show on my face, but the dreams of being in a specific site were taken away and it hit me: I'm really not in control... at all. I'm not coming into this experience as open-minded as I want to be. And, to be frank, that's a hard realization for me. I wasn't upset about the language, I was upset about my thoughts and attitudes and presumptions.

 

Throughout the day, I told a few people about how hard it was to get my placement: not because it wasn't the language I wanted (there is no better language!), but because I was forced to see some of my own shortcomings. The more I thought about it, the better I felt, and I suppose deep down inside, part of me wanting to come to the Peace Corps was to be stretched, to be challenged, and to let go. That was a huge piece missing in my life at home, and it's appealing to be able to grow, even if the process can be hard sometimes. But anything worth doing is going to be hard, and this isn't even going to be the beginning of future frustrations, I'm sure. I'm learning about myself and it feels good to be able to let go more, even if it means I was hanging on too tightly to begin with.

 

The reality is this as well: the more I hear about my language and some places I may be able to go, the more excited I become. On field trip, I'm going to a region that is pure desert. Someone described it as Mars: red sand, palm trees, dates. To me, this sounds fantastic. Really, honestly, it'll be incredible to be able to stay there about a week and see what it's like, and though I love the luxury of a hot shower every few days and two cybers a few doors down from the hotel, I'm itching to see a reality of a PCV. Not "the reality;" everyone's experience is different, but a reality. I'm also eager to be immersed in Tamazight because I'm sure constant exposure will help pick up the language quicker. 

 

My admiration and awe about how incredible training is hasn't even begun to dwindle. Right now, life feels like a combination of the craziest summer camp in the world, a reality TV show or The Apprentice, Orientation freshman year in the dorms, and intense college language classes. There are times that it's so stereotypical PC it's not even funny: like when we're all sitting around a guitar singing Hotel California, or when we're comparing how long it's been since we've taken a shower (not too long yet!), or who the A-team is (the people who go number 2 without toilet paper, and with lots of hand-washing afterwards... I'm not that hardcore), and it always makes me laugh to think of what people back home would think. I've also been startled to hear two characterizations of Americans that fit me to a T (people who write a lot, and that in the three months of training, our group will collectively use more toilet paper than the rest of the town will use in a whole year!). Training is a unique experience but one that I really feel is one of the most empowering and just fun experiences I've probably ever had.

 

So there you have it. Yesterday was probably my most difficult day since I've been here, but still ten times better than a bad day at home. I'm continuing to learn and am being honest with myself, which is a habit I'm hoping to continue while I'm here, and I can't help but be happy about that.

 

On a less heavy note (sorry if I'm getting too deep for some of you!), today was ksksu Friday! Traditionally, couscous is eaten on Fridays and I just made an idiot out of myself but had a great time eating couscous with my hands! I also ate a whole chicken leg, something I probably haven't done for over ten or twelve years. It wasn't bad, but I started getting a little sketched out at the end with the meat closest to the bone. I have to start training myself out of my pickiness. I know I could stay a vegetarian or pseudo-vegetarian while here, but eating meat is certainly something I'm willing to try.

 

Much love to those of you who know who you are. I'm in a great place in every sense of the phrase. I wish you could experience even for one day.

 

qim b lman! (I think?)

Yes, I know I'm updating and I said I wouldn't! Old habits die hard and I'm a bit of an internet addict. On a random note, they just started playing a different mix of Aisha (by Faudel or Khaled? Khaled, I think), a song that's been on my playlist for the last few years. It's Rai music which is sort of French/North African in usually French or Arabic. I'm not doing the genre justice, but it's magical to hear it here.

In any case, last night we went jelleba shopping! Two of our HCN (Home country national= Moroccan) staff went with us and I think we stressed them out! There were probably 10 of us trainees who wanted to have one made and we were going nuts with the fabric and the different cuts and trim. Mine will be a sort of a purple-striped floor length one with a hood and black trim. I hope it turns out okay. Jellebas are probably one of the most distinctive part of Moroccan dress I've seen. Men usually wear darker colors: browns, black, tans, and darker reds or greens, but women wear them in any sort of color or pattern possible. Right now, according to one of our teachers, orange, green, and pink are sort of the "in" colors. Mine should be done by the 29th. I chose a light fabric for summer, but have seen some incredible winter ones. I'm thinking maybe of saving up for a corduroy one. We'll see.

 

Today was supposed to be souk day, but due to striking transportation workers, there wasn't really a souk today so we learned more Arabic. Tonight, we find out which Berber language we'll be learning, which is the first sort of glimpse of what site we'll eventually live in for two years. I definitely have a preference but am keeping an open mind about it, but it's keeping me on edge waiting to find that out as well as who will be in and lead my small language/culture learning group. I'll be sure to let you know when I know and come to the cyber!

 

Thanks for all your emails and comments. They mean a lot even if I don't respond to each one of them. I'm thinking of all of you.

Hello again!

 

I'm going to tell you now, I'm going to start updating a lot less starting very, very soon. In a few days, we're going on "field trip" which is a period of time when we get to spend a few days with a current health volunteer to get a sort of feel for what life is going to be like as a volunteer.

 

The last few days have been incredible. I suppose I'm still honeymooning with this experience, so to speak, but honestly, several times a day it hits me that this is really what I am doing with my life and it almost moves me to tears. I feel so honored to be able to have this experience and keep looking at myself wondering what I've done to deserve such an opportunity. Maybe in a few months my outlook will be different, but I'm relishing it while I have it.

 

Sunday was a SDL or self-directed learning day with no classes. It was a lot of fun and I felt productive. I got a cell phone for 400D, we learned from one of our LCFs how to wash clothes by hand on the roof, and we had an informal "tea talk" on dress, hijabs (head scarves), and the hammam. For breakfast, a group of us ladies walked to a local cafe and in halting Arabic quickly replaced with French, we got cappuccinos and bread with laughing cow cheese. It was fun, and a little boy, probably barely a year old, ran around and interacted with us. Thank GOD for kids. I know that whenever language barrier is a problem, I'll always be able to smile and laugh with kids.

 

Later that day, I was going with another friend to get money from the ATM, and the woman from the cafe, the child's mother, came up and shook my hand and tried to talk to me. It was so friendly, and I felt real warmth. A bunch of girls came and surrounded me and I was able to tell them I was an American, my name, ask their name, and that was about it, but it was fun. We all giggled a lot. Laughter: another important barrier-breaker. The woman ran back to the cafe and gave me a tube of chapstick that one of the other trainees left and welcomed me back anytime.

 

Even when buying a phone, everyone has been friendly and helpful. Again, I did this mainly in French, which has been a blessing and a curse, but honestly, the patience and understanding and willingness to try to work things out that many people here seem to have has really floored me.

 

Our training is also more comprehensive than I could dream of. I've been stuck 5 or 6 times with vaccinations (today: 2nd of 3 rabies shots), and we've learned a lot about many different areas of knowledge that will be useful. Our job description, so to speak, made me feel ready and empowered because it all sounded like things that I can do, regardless of my limited  health knowledgem and things that are realistic and will make a difference in the community. We'll be working hand-in-hand with the Moroccan Ministry of Health as well, which really makes me feel like this will help with sustainability. Talking to current volunteers has been inspiring, but I feel like even though my learning curve might be steep and things will go slowly, I can do something that will be helpful and useful to my community, wherever that will be.

 

I'm still in awe of our training staff. One person has a MPH from UNC... what a small world! I'm interested in that program, and have a good friend in that program right now and my sister is there for undergraduate studies right now.  In any case, and I'm being honest here, the people who train us are really top-notch... and we have a lot of fun! It's going to get busy soon, but really, hopefully it won't be too overwhelming. Enshallah. I'm eating healthily, walking around, and getting a good night's sleep, so that has been helpful.

 

Arabic script is coming along. I randomly sort of tried to read a sign last night and I figured it out: it was the name of the town we're in right now. Town or city, I can't really tell which, but the script is easier than I had anticipated and the LCFs are more helpful than you could know.

 

I really want a djelleba. I may go shopping for fabric after class today with one of our LCFs.

 

For those of you who are curious, we do have hot showers right now, but there are about 4 for maybe 45 people. I haven't had to wait, but I've only showered twice since I've been here. Doing laundry is fun though hard work, but I've at least done some, though I think one of my shirts flew off the roof! I learned the hard way: just one clothespin won't do it!

 

As far as Islam here, the call to prayer is still really moving for me, and honestly, when I hear it, I'll say a little prayer to myself. I've never seen anyone praying the way I had imagined, but when I asked an LCF about it, they said most people do but they do it in private. Even in our homestays, we might not see it even though the whole family might do it. Interesting. As someone who's fairly private about my own faith, I can understand that. Obviously there is more I could say on Islam and living here, but really the most important thing is that I feel really comfortable even as an outsider.

 

For those who wonder if I cover my head, the answer is not yet. Most women here do, but not all. I could go my entire 27 months without doing it, some volunteers don't, and even our language teachers who are all Moroccans do not all wear them. I still am thinking about whether or not it'd make sense, but if it helps integrate, I'll do it.

 

Another sort of surprise: the Hammam (Turkish baths). I haven't been yet, but apparently it's normal to bathe in these communal rooms in underwear only. Given the emphasis on modest dress, it made me realize a little more about modesty: it's really male/female based. Even though I'd have no problems wearing a shorter skirt, or short sleeves, I am a bit nervous to bathe so publicly with other women, even though it's fairly normal here. This is sort of a generalization, but it made me realize some of the intricacies of some cultural ideas: what seemed at first like a paradox (they cover their heads but will bathe in a public bath house only in underwear?) really makes sense the more you think about it. I have moments like these constantly and it's good to learn and really start to try to delve into things deeper.

 

Don't be surprised if you don't hear from me for a week or two. I don't know when I'll get back to a cyber, and I know I won't during field trip. Until then, thanks for your interest in the blog, and keep in touch! I want to know what's going on back home!

 

Baraka lla hu fik.

Seminar site!

First of all, my apologies for the terrible typing; it's a French keyboard and I'm still learning it.

I have a very fitting "shwiya b shwiya" story for you. Last night, a group of us went out to find the beach. To put things in perspective, we had been in country three days but had really only had four or five hours to explore the town. We essentially ran to the souk and found the beach but didn't have a good way to get down to it. Oh, well. On the way back, I really wanted to stop and get a paper journal. I haven't started writing in it yet and there is really a lot to catch up on, but I wanted it.

We went to a small paper shop. I ended up having sort of a tri-lingual conversation. I tried in Arabic to get a blank book, then switched to French, apologizing for my terrible few words of Arabic, saying that I was learning. Really, I'll learn Berber first, but I absolutely have every intention of studying Darija as well. The shopkeeper smiled at me and said, "Oh, it's not bad, you'll learn shwiya b shwiya." It made me smile.

Training is long hours and especially the last few days have been a lot of information, but yesterday, one of the sort of introductions to the program really inspired me. I've realized that despite thinking I've been openminded, I really have made judgements on some things just from listening to what other people have told me and without having the opportunity to experience things for myself. No more. I explored this concept at Agnes Scott with the honor code and I think I'm experiencing it again and it seems to be appropriate for Morocco: sometimes when you give things up and are held to expectations, it's freeing when you meet them and accept things you have no control over. Accepting this, and thinking, really thinking about THAT and not negativity made it so that yesterday, a whole weight and a lot of fear was lifted from me and I've been able to relax and really try to experience things.

We left this morning to get to our training site and split into our separate groups: health and environement. The drive was beautiful and there were some absolutely beautiful mountains. All the colors seem to be supersaturated and it was hard to believe the orange of the ground was that deep of an orange, the blue of the lake so blue, the sky so wide.

We've met our LCFs (Language and Cultural Facilitators; PC loves abbreviations!) today and took a little tour of the small town with them. I lugged all 100+ lbs of luggage to the fourth floor of the hotel that will be sort of a home base for the next 10 weeks. I'm exhausted but I think I always will be. At least I should be able to sleep in on Sunday, inshallah. It feels great to be at the seminar site finally and feel like there's somewhere I'll be for a little more than three or four days!

Much love to all.

This post will be extremely short, but I just wanted to say that the more I hear about training and then the next two years, the more excited I become. Seriously, today at dinner I almost started crying. I know people tend to think that the Peace Corps is such a selfless thing to do and such a sacrifice but right now I'm feeling just grateful to be here. The training is going to be absolutely incredible, and there are many more people working hard for us to be here in country than I had imagined.

I don't feel like I've given up anything, I just feel honored and wonder how I got to be so lucky as to have an experience like this. I feel official now, an official Peace Corps Trainee, and right now, I can't think of anything I'd rather be doing than sitting here on the roof of the hotel, watching fireworks that celebrate the birth of the king's daughter, talking with fellow Trainees.

Hi, all!

Just a quick update to let you know: I made it through staging and am in country! Internet is sporadic, and I have no idea when I will really have a chance to update, but I'm here safe and sound. Such a beautiful place, a great group of people, fantastic staff, delicious food, and people seem very friendly. There are two things that are the most shocking to me in the few hours I've been here.

The first is that it doesn't feel "foreign." Every time I've travelled to somewhere out of the US, it's felt incredibly foreign, and dare I even say exotic at times. I feel a sense of energy, of  some sort of spiciness to the air, a sort of new rhythm to my step. Morocco right now feels startlingly comfortable and not even new. I've never spent time in an Arab nation or even a majority Islam nation but it feels very comfortable and even easy. Not a new energy... a sort of serene one. I don't know if this is because I have changed as a person, if it's because I've been awake for 30 hours straight, or because all I've really seen is an airport, a bus ride, and the view from a hotel, but it's disconcerting but comfortable too. I just hope it doesn't mean that I won't have the excitement that being immersed in a new culture brings.

The other surprise is a bit more superficial: I didn't realize how much French would help in the big cities. Sure, I read that often, people assume people who look like me are French and will speak French to them but I didn't realize I'd be able to communicate with so many people or read all the street signs. This is exciting, but probably somewhat short-lived, as a city will be much different than the bled, where I'll be spending most of my time, but I do not want to use French as a crutch and not learn Arabic or one of the Berber languages because of it.

Right before dinner, I heard the call to prayer and it was the first time I'd heard it. My current roommate and I stood by my window and stared at the minaret through the open window and just stood in silence. Though I'm not Muslim, it was really powerful. I know soon it'll become commonplace but that first time it was just beautiful.

In any case, I'm certainly enjoying living it up in a four-star hotel for these next few days. It's a nice way to ease us into what we'll be doing for the next two years. And I think I can do it: live here in this country for the next two years and three months. The people are incredible: I walked onto the roof patio to get a fresh breath and there were people singing American folk songs with two guitars and two mandolins. Quite an uplifting moment.

So, there you have it. I'll update when I can, and I'll try to share as much as I can with you about what I'm learning from being here.